New Year

Well, here I am again. I don't have very organized thoughts, but I'm gonna type anyway. I have been wanting to again for quite a while. I have one follower and nobody else may read this which makes it frustrating to write. Actually, makes me feel alone. This day may not be the best day to try to write, at least not in a positive way. 


It is one of those days that I don't feel fit to be a mother. Am I the only one that feels that once in a while?? Sometimes I read what people post on Facebook about being a mother is the best thing in their life and I think, "Why can't I feel that way?" Some days being a mother is one of my biggest stresses!  Back in October, I wrote about how I was feeling my life was so chaotic. Unfortunately, it hasn't gotten much better! (And it won't for a while) I NEED to figure out how to be ok with the way life is or figure out baby steps to change some things!


Last week, I took the time to look for organization ideas on Pinterest. Yes, I started a Home Management Binder. Now, we have to see if I get it organized enough to put it to use!! That is my problem with trying to change things, I may actually come up with a plan, but don't get it put into practice.


You would think by child #4 I would have more things figured out, but no! I don't get out much either to socialize with other moms anymore. We used to have a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group in town...I was even the Coordinator for 3 years. I can't say that I always wanted to go or really completely "fit in" but at least it did get me out and with other moms. Then nobody wanted to lead it anymore. Now I guess somebody thinks nobody wants a mom's group. I have heard there is interest in a less organized mom get together time where you can socialize while the kids play close by. I tried attending a MOPS group in another town, but that schedule wasn't the best for us. Then I went to a group even farther away, but the fear of getting other sickness and germs kept me from going a few times.


Part of the problem with "socializing" is that I don't have much to talk about..unless you want to hear about how we are potty training middle A and took the pacifier away at the same time. Some days I am cleaning up accidents and have to tell her several times that her pacis had holes in them and we had to throw them away. Baby A doesn't sleep through the night and doesn't usually nap much during the day. She likes her momma and cries when I leave the room some. And then there is Big Brother who will be 5 in two days and has a mind of his own. Big A is off to school and does well getting up, but watch out when she is tired or things don't go her way!


I used to almost pride myself on having a good memory. Not anymore with mommy brain turning it to mush. I thought I was still in pretty good shape after baby 1 & 2, and maybe even 3, but #4 has zapped it!!  I had to go to Party City to get birthday supplies a couple days ago. I bought for 3 birthdays since they are in January, March, and 2 in April. The day after I bought cups, plates, and napkins for Big Bros party, I found the ones I bought just a few days ago!! At least they are just a solid color so can be stored for another party.
    I can't remember things I read in books or when I do actually try to do, or remember to do, devotions. 


I wish I could say I don't care that my house is a mess because at least my kids are happy and I'm spending time with them, but that isn't always the case either. I have realized that I am selfish with my time. I complain about not getting to do something I want to do. You may say, do those things when they are in bed, but that doesn't seem to happen. Usually Baby A, or somebody, is up almost till I crawl into bed. I am not a morning person and have been having a REALLY hard time getting up lately. It doesn't help that Baby A is still getting up at night at least once, sometimes twice. If she isn't up, Middle A gets up sometimes, toddling into our room and next to our bed usually because she has to go potty, but doesn't always talk when she comes in. With my memory problem, I don't always remember what I was doing when I am interrupted. Some may say, you can go back to it when the kids are taken care of and happy, but that doesn't always work either.


Dean is really good at helping, although sometimes I have to admit I wish he would do more. How can I ask that of him? I am the stay at home mom and should be doing my job! My job is to pick up after everybody else or teach them to do it themselves. Sometimes it is less energy for me to just do it myself, but then I think about how I want the kids to learn to do those things. I should be able to keep this house in order and keep the kids somewhat in order. When I do have time, I should be trying to figure out what needs to be changed and plan that out. When I have time, I want to be talking to Dean about what we need to do to make things go smoother, but my brain is in shut down mode by then usually and I can't think what we need to discuss.


I don't know if any of this makes sense. I tried to read it through before publishing, and found some mistakes so don't know how many are still here. Maybe I "said" too much, but I am going to post it anyway because this is life in this Household of 6.

Mornings

Mornings are when I usually get the most done. If it doesn't get done before noon..actually about 10 or 11...it may not get done. Little A mostly takes 20-30 minute cat naps a couple times a day. Sometimes I can't put her down or she wakes up.


Meal times are also hard. I am not good at planning meals. Some days when I think I have a plan, I have fussy kids and it doesn't go according to my plan anyway.


It is hard for me to get out of the house in the morning, especially when I have things to get done. I know it will be hard to catch up later in the day. With 2 or 3 kids, depending on the day, to get ready, I'd rather stay home sometimes depending on what I am getting out of the house for and how long I can stretch it. If I'm not getting something done at home, I may as well be gone so I don't feel bad or stressed about it at that moment.

Starting a new blog

I have been disappointed I haven't kept up with my "farming" blog. I wanted to use it to show what life on the farm is like. Well, now I decided to start a new one to possibly show what life with 6 people in a house is like. This includes kids ages 6, 4, 2, and 6 months! Never a dull moment.


I used to think I sort of had most things under control, except meal planning which I think I will always struggle with. The last month I feel that everything is out of control. Before, I at least had a somewhat picked up house even if the kids were somewhat out of control. Now it seems it's all disorganized and running a muck all on its own!


I keep saying I need time to get things figured out as far as a schedule and discipline. I read books (when I have time) and find good ideas, but I have trouble implementing those ideas. I don't have the energy to change things even though some things need it. I am in continual survival mode with little hope of actually changing things. It doesn't help that 6 month "A" doesn't nap longer than 20-30 minutes at a time unless being held.


It is hard when other people know and see the struggles we are having with our son, the 4 year old. I feel judged by some that we aren't even trying with him. We are! I need time to devote to finding what is going to work with him. I can't even type this without many interruptions and tears!


I don't know how often I will get to post. Maybe nobody will want to read what life in a Household of 6 is like. Maybe I can use this to process (vent) things for myself. I am not looking for answers or too much advice from others. I will try to keep things positive, but real.