Well, here I am again. I don't have very organized thoughts, but I'm gonna type anyway. I have been wanting to again for quite a while. I have one follower and nobody else may read this which makes it frustrating to write. Actually, makes me feel alone. This day may not be the best day to try to write, at least not in a positive way.
It is one of those days that I don't feel fit to be a mother. Am I the only one that feels that once in a while?? Sometimes I read what people post on Facebook about being a mother is the best thing in their life and I think, "Why can't I feel that way?" Some days being a mother is one of my biggest stresses! Back in October, I wrote about how I was feeling my life was so chaotic. Unfortunately, it hasn't gotten much better! (And it won't for a while) I NEED to figure out how to be ok with the way life is or figure out baby steps to change some things!
Last week, I took the time to look for organization ideas on Pinterest. Yes, I started a Home Management Binder. Now, we have to see if I get it organized enough to put it to use!! That is my problem with trying to change things, I may actually come up with a plan, but don't get it put into practice.
You would think by child #4 I would have more things figured out, but no! I don't get out much either to socialize with other moms anymore. We used to have a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group in town...I was even the Coordinator for 3 years. I can't say that I always wanted to go or really completely "fit in" but at least it did get me out and with other moms. Then nobody wanted to lead it anymore. Now I guess somebody thinks nobody wants a mom's group. I have heard there is interest in a less organized mom get together time where you can socialize while the kids play close by. I tried attending a MOPS group in another town, but that schedule wasn't the best for us. Then I went to a group even farther away, but the fear of getting other sickness and germs kept me from going a few times.
Part of the problem with "socializing" is that I don't have much to talk about..unless you want to hear about how we are potty training middle A and took the pacifier away at the same time. Some days I am cleaning up accidents and have to tell her several times that her pacis had holes in them and we had to throw them away. Baby A doesn't sleep through the night and doesn't usually nap much during the day. She likes her momma and cries when I leave the room some. And then there is Big Brother who will be 5 in two days and has a mind of his own. Big A is off to school and does well getting up, but watch out when she is tired or things don't go her way!
I used to almost pride myself on having a good memory. Not anymore with mommy brain turning it to mush. I thought I was still in pretty good shape after baby 1 & 2, and maybe even 3, but #4 has zapped it!! I had to go to Party City to get birthday supplies a couple days ago. I bought for 3 birthdays since they are in January, March, and 2 in April. The day after I bought cups, plates, and napkins for Big Bros party, I found the ones I bought just a few days ago!! At least they are just a solid color so can be stored for another party.
I can't remember things I read in books or when I do actually try to do, or remember to do, devotions.
I wish I could say I don't care that my house is a mess because at least my kids are happy and I'm spending time with them, but that isn't always the case either. I have realized that I am selfish with my time. I complain about not getting to do something I want to do. You may say, do those things when they are in bed, but that doesn't seem to happen. Usually Baby A, or somebody, is up almost till I crawl into bed. I am not a morning person and have been having a REALLY hard time getting up lately. It doesn't help that Baby A is still getting up at night at least once, sometimes twice. If she isn't up, Middle A gets up sometimes, toddling into our room and next to our bed usually because she has to go potty, but doesn't always talk when she comes in. With my memory problem, I don't always remember what I was doing when I am interrupted. Some may say, you can go back to it when the kids are taken care of and happy, but that doesn't always work either.
Dean is really good at helping, although sometimes I have to admit I wish he would do more. How can I ask that of him? I am the stay at home mom and should be doing my job! My job is to pick up after everybody else or teach them to do it themselves. Sometimes it is less energy for me to just do it myself, but then I think about how I want the kids to learn to do those things. I should be able to keep this house in order and keep the kids somewhat in order. When I do have time, I should be trying to figure out what needs to be changed and plan that out. When I have time, I want to be talking to Dean about what we need to do to make things go smoother, but my brain is in shut down mode by then usually and I can't think what we need to discuss.
I don't know if any of this makes sense. I tried to read it through before publishing, and found some mistakes so don't know how many are still here. Maybe I "said" too much, but I am going to post it anyway because this is life in this Household of 6.